- You call this a vacation? - No.
I call it Taco Island!
Who's laughing now, bitch?
- Piece-of-crap cable. - What are you doing?
- Maintenance. Shut up. - No. Don't shake it up.
Let the snow settle.
That way you can see the little San Francisco in there.
Come here. Let's see if we can see it together.
It's not a snow globe, you ignoramus.
How many TVs have you broken this year?
A lot more than you have. I'm teaching this object a lesson.
If it doesn't want to get hit anymore, it'll straighten up and fly right.
- Isn't that right? - That's odd.
The connection on the cable feels fine.
Of course it does, because it's trying to trick you.
You're falling for it, but not me. Look at it. It's laughing at us.
- It is laughing at me. - Let's see how funny it is when I do this.
There she goes.
See? It just needed a good ass-whooping.
We have successfully traveled eons...
across both space and time, through the Fargate...
to get free cable.
- I think it's a Stargate. - It's the Fargate. "F".
It's different from that movie, which I have never seen.
- How would I copy it? - Chill, man. It's all right.
Let's just turn it on.
I just want to make sure that we are clear it's the Fargate.
Goes far, get it?
And there is just no way it came from that movie...
or that syndicated series based on the movie.
- But it sure was a good movie. - Yes, it was.
- Turn on the TV. Maybe it's on. - I don't have clearance for that.
Yes. Only the inner circle of high-ranking diplomats...
with the security clearance get to watch the big TV.
You look away. Retinal scan on.
Damn it! Wrong laser!
- Why didn't you label them? - You said don't label them...
because it was top secret and no one should know.
Now you label them.
- Where are my eyes? - I've got them.
- All right. It worked. - Of course it worked, and it's free.
Now let's have some fun watching it.
Describe to me the action. Does it excite your emotions?
Is it funny or is it sad?
- It's funny if you like public television. - Public? No!
Put my eyes in so that I might furrow my brow...
und express the anger that I am feeling.
Now change und channel.
That's, like, the one thing we can't do.
But it's free, and that's cool, right?
Get me the Universal Remonster.
Shoot. We're still beta-testing that.
What you're testing is me and my patience.
Get him out here now.
Is this what you call a Remonster?
Where are his claws and his fangs?
He must have giant feet and thirst for blood.
- Now you've ruined my vision. - Yeah.
What if we just called him the Universal Remobot?
I mean, he is a robot.
But the Remonster is his name. It's branding.
This monster thing feels a little tacked on, actually.
I mean, the T-shirts say, "Universal Remonster"...
not "Universal Piece of Crap" like you'd say.
- Wow, you made T-shirts. That's cool. - Let me go get you one.
Is that a Powerpuff Girl or something?
Can you not see she has a Mohawk and wheelchair?
We are not getting sued. Where's the Universal Remonster?
I want him to have a baby tee and a visor.
Oh, man.
- I think he went through the Stargate. - It is a Fargate!
From the makers of Findependence Day.
We will give it a Mohawk and wheelchair if you need help...
and tell the Remonster to do our bidding.
He's gone.
Do our bidding, little Remonster!
Hello?
Everything, this is all digital.
- Lean to your left. - Okay.
- Lean to your right. - Right.
- Lean to your left. - Over here?
- That's your right. - Damn it. Okay.
- Lean to your right. - What about here?
- You got it right. - All right. Goody.
- That's good. - I never get tired of hearing that.
- What's this? - That's your chair.
- I mean, is it left or is it right? - It's a chair and it's right over there.
Think back to your song.
- The song. Remember? - What song?
- What the hell? - Watch this.
Dawn is about to tell Carlos she got breast cancer. Hang on.
Wait. Watch this. He needs this for the...
This is bowling. Don't watch this.
- Why does it keep changing channels? - It don't matter.
I watch anything that's on. Wait. Look at this here.
This dude is gonna squeeze that boy till blood comes out his eyes.
Damn! Did you see that?
- That's a mature situation. - You ain't watching this.
What are you doing? Go back.
And turn it up, too, all the way.
- All right. There you go. - I didn't do it.
- Then stop taking credit for it. - Let me just test something.
- It's back. - All right. Good to go.
- What're you doing? - Will you knock it off?
There we go.
You are not to touch any button on that ever again.
Yeah. That's right. You go over there.
Don't touch that plug! What am I, a mirage?
- What's that thing? - What?
- So you've been controlling the TV. - Yes, because he's got good taste.
- He's a cutie, too. - Now you're gonna go back to 37, right?
Because they got the all-day blood buffet going on.
- Meatwad doesn't need to watch that. - Are you kidding?
Babies aren't scared of this. Bring me a baby. I'll prove it.
Emory? Are you there, Emory?
- I'm right here. - Don't sneak up on me like that.
I thought you were a monster on the TV.
Why are we watching this?
The Universal Remonster probably picked it out.
- He's into stuff like this. - He's not a monster...
because monsters are scary, with claws and angry feet...
because someone was too cheap to get them for him.
- So you're talking about me? - Nein.
I'm talking about the thing in the attic that is stalking me.
Please, what do you want with us?
Let's let the chair do the work.
I know you're getting a lot of use out of the remote...
but I need to run a few tests on it.
- You're blocking the pretzel beam. - Sorry.
Thank you. Good landing.
This remote, I tell you. It's ugly as hell, but it fricking does everything.
- Did you hear those chains rattling? - Did that frighten you?
Check this out.
No! The chains from my dreams!
Damn. You hit me in the chin.
- Sorry. I thought you were a ghoul. - I'm not.
Well, it was your own damn fault for making noises like a ghoul.
Dude, I was flushing the toilet.
Ghouls do that when they're making brownies.
Did you hear that? He's in the attic now. He'll kill us.
- Get the kitchen knife. - The kitchen is in the attic.
Great. Then he has the knife now.
We've been watching too many of these scary movies, maybe.
I think we should chill out, and let's have some more of this, all right?
Nein. Too much today.
Get rid of these monster movies off the TV.
Prepare retinal scan. Ein, zwei, drei, go.
Damn it! I told you to label those buttons.
My eyes are throbbing from the laser.
Why do we put the lasers there? We're asking for trouble.
What the hell? Someone is stealing our cable.
Please don't. Stop it!
No. What's happening?
Frylock! Get over here.
You're missing it. Check it out.
I got a limb ripping, screaming on the rack...
and three kinds of Satan laughs.
Last time I'm gonna tell you, Shake. Stop doing that.
I can't, and you should respect my addiction.
It's a disease.
I need help, but just not right now, okay?
Come on. We almost flatlined him.
Come on, you stupid-ass piece of junk.
I guess the batteries are finally running low.
No. He's being lazy is what he's doing.
Did you all see a ghost pass through here...
'cause I've been hoping like hell that he's gone.
He probably went to the store to get some more food for his demons.
Are you serious?
You do know where the demon food store is, right?
- What are you talking about? - Behind you.
- You're in it. - I'm in the store.
You're in the demon produce aisle.
I think I know where that remote came from.
Go get some more of them. I'm having to improvise over here.
Listen. It's coming from inside the house.
- Yeah, it is. - Did you hear that?
Someone just said, "Yeah, it is". A demon. Get out! A demon!
Do you happen to know the penalty for stealing cable?
Cable?
We have technology beyond our comprehension.
Behold the light stick.
It's not lighting, Emory. I don't know what's wrong with it.
You broke it on my head.
Get the Universal Remonster. He knows how to do it.
- He's dead. - Impossible.
The Remonster can only be killed by stabbing him in the heart...
with the ancient bone saber of Zumacalis.
Probably his head and lungs, too. Just stab him wherever.
And the saber probably doesn't have to be bone.
Just anything sharp lying around the house.
You could poke him with a pillow and kill him.
- Or his batteries could've just run out. - No. He's dead!
The monster is dead, now and forever.
- There we go. - The TV is dead.
Death. We are surrounded by it!
Look. You don't need TV. It just ends up owning you.
- Next time you get bored read a book. - We have no need to read.
Behold the Mohawk of eternity!
- You guys are high. - No, dude.
Why, man? Are you cool?
- Yes. Are you cool? - I'm out of here.
Wait. Do you have any snack cakes or corn-flavored chips?
- I'm fricking starving here. - See if he's got some mini-pizzas.
Yes. Mini-pizzas.
That would taste good to my palate. No!
I think I finally found a good use for the TV.
- You put that right back upstairs. - No.
Then you are gonna help me pull down my chair down here...
- so I can watch it here. - No, I won't.
I will pee all over my pants...
and then who's gonna end up looking bad?
Just stay down here with your TV and... it then.
- Maybe I will. - Yep.
I thought it was about time we invested in a high-definition plasma screen.
- I thought you said TV was bad. - It is. But we... need it.